Wonders if I'm alone in how I feel sometimes. I know I'm probably not, but it certainly seems that way when there is no one around to discuss my feeling with on a semi regular basis.
How do I feel? Out of place and scared to be "in place"...particularly with where we live at the moment. I'm referenceing the house where we currently live. I love it. I really do. But, we are renting. I can't paint, paper or otherwise make changes. I even have to be careful about how many pictures we hang (ie, nail holes in the wall) and other decorating decisions. It's difficult to feel "at home" in a place that isn't my home. We still need to purchase (or build) bookshelves and a tv stand (or two or three) plus some chairs, side tables, etc. The bookshelves are definite necessities no matter where we live. The other things we "need" to fit this house.
But, what if we don't stay here past our year lease? What if we move across the country again? What if, what if, what if??? I'm so tired of the "what ifs". Seriously tired of them. But, how do I get past them? I know there is no getting rid of them. Life is full of changes. There will always be unknowns. I need to push past my current fears of the upcoming unknowns and do what needs to be done for now.
Am I strange for feeling this way? I suppose the reason I question these feelings is because I've with this before. I typically move into a place and immediately make it home. Typically, by the end of the second week everything is in place, all the pictures are hung and the boxes of unused items are tucked into the attic. We have been in this house since August 1 and the garage is still full of furniture and boxes. It's now December 2....that's more than 4 months and it feels...no, LOOKS like we just got our stuff last week. I don't even have all the curtains up yet. What????
You know, I'm feeling really anxious just typing this out. Being 100% honest is a scary thing....the fear of being misunderstood, for putting my feelings totally out there, wow.... scary.
It's not lack of coffee. I'm on my fourth 10 oz cup of coffee. It's almost gone. Soon I will be pouring my fifth cup. :) Don't you dare suggest it's too much coffee.... That is not open for discussion!
That is all for today. I have lots of things to "catch up" on in the blog world....but not right now.
I am sorry you are feeling so disconnected, my friend. This is very unusual for you, but I think it might be related to your disappointment over the church/friend situation. I will commit this to prayer. I hope things turn up for you. Miss you.
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Oh I know exactly...the what if's have been so bad this time. I know this was our last PCS, he'll retire in 3 yrs and Jacy will graduate HS in 5 1/2 and we wont move until then. Unless... those what if's just nag at the back of my mind. *sigh* I'd be here all day if I tried to type it all up. I can relate on the making the house "home" part too. It's just not falling into place this time around for me. One thing with the pictures/wall decor...those command picture hooks are awesome! I even put some command hooks on the outside of the cupboard doors by the stove to hang pot holders on :) Hopefully it wont take you long to find the connection. I think my problem is we're coming up on 2 years since we pcs'ed. We have only ever lived in one house for about 2 yrs. up until now. We have a ton of stuff we want to do to the house but I can't commit to any of it because it's too risky. We weren't supposed to get orders when we moved to MD, but did when we were there 1 yr 9 mos. This month we will have been here 1 yr 9 mos. For weeks I've had that "other shoe is going to drop" kind of feeling. It's silly, and I know there's no reason I should worry about it....but I do anyway.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm not drinking enough coffee...I've only been averaging one or 2 cups a day the last few months lol I love the ease of my keurig, I don't love how much the kcups cost though lol
I am sorry you are feeling this way.Next to moving the kids around while in school, this is the worse part. We have so many what ifs coming up in 2012 ourselves, hoping the timing works out with our renters, we could end up losing 1 or even 2 months of rent. Even know it is a loss and can be wrote off, it still stresses me out and keeps me up at night.Then my sister asked me is there anything I can do about it? I said no, fat chance we can find a 1-2 month renter, she said then just let it go, it is just money, we can catch up, always make money off of moves and just not worth me worrying, my health, wrinkles or grey hairs. I have changed it into postive thinking, I can get down there and do some painting and other things while the house is empty. Get the garage and kitchen set-up slowly, perfect instead of just shoving it all in, etc. When I first started at Navy Relief, my boss was a 25 year Captain's wife, she told me to live in every house like it is forever and I have always tried to do it. So,my point is, try and not to worry so much, do what you want to the house, I am sure if you paint neutral colors, the owner wont care, if not, you can paint it back,dont just make it home, make it YOUR home, room by room and not to worry you may only be there for a short time.You spend so much time in your home, you need to make it perfect and all the rest will fall into place. I am sure you were hoping retirement=putting roots down and you were done with the what ifs, I am sorry it is not. Good luck and I hope you will be able to feel at home wherever you are. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteDearest friend, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't really have any sage advice for you. I've never been through the whole pick up your family and move every few years routine that you military families have to adjust to. But I know you well enough to know that you will bloom where you are planted. You have had so many changes in your life lately. I think it's completely okay to not have everything sorted and in order. Give yourself all the time you need to settle in. One thing I'm pretty sure about is that whatever you don't do today will still be waiting for you to do whenever you get to it. Just know that a lot of people love and admire you. Be gentle with yourself, too.
ReplyDeleteI have to say DITTO to what Vicki said. Be Gentle To My Friend Susan!!! LOL. I know this was probably a tough move; one kid not there; hubby in a civilian job; living in Waco. Ask yourself why are you feeling the 'this isn't my home' feelings....ask that 5 times and dig a little deeper each time. And know that there are some Sistahs out here that are willing to lend an ear or a shoulder if you need. :) {{{HUGS}}} my friend!!
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