Boundaries

Last night, I was reading Facebook status updates and comments and noticed a trend.  People have trouble drawing boundaries....

...with our friends.
...with our co-workers.
...with our families.
...with people on-line.

Why? 

Why do we try to please everyone?  To make them happy at the expense of our happiness?  To always let them win?

Is it ever okay to do those things?  Sure.  Sometimes.

When it doesn't really matter. 
When it isn't a priority. 
When it doesn't hurt someone else. 
When it doesn't hurt you or make you feel less than. 

When is it NOT okay?

When it matters, deeply, to you. 
When it is a priority. 
When it hurts someone. 
When it makes you feel less than, or not good enough, or unwanted. 
When you feel like you have to be perfect to keep them from saying nasty things to you. 
When you walk on egg shells afraid of setting them off.....again.

I don't know about you, but there are people in my life who require me to put up boundaries.

Many times these people do not know their words or actions affect me negatively.  Or, if they do, they think it's okay because they are "just telling the truth" or if I tell them they hurt me they say I'm "too sensitive."

So, I have drawn boundaries.  

How?

Depends on the situation, person, etc.  If it's Facebook, I unfriend or block them.  Remember, you don't have to accept friend requests.  And, if you do and it turns toxic, you can delete or block them.  If you have people who are there to get information so they can talk about you behind your back. 

Delete! 

Block! 

Seriously. Clean up your friends list.  I promise, you will feel so much better.  Just. Do. It.

In real life it's more difficult, but it can be done. 

If it is a friend or family member who doesn't live with you, be unavailable. 

"Sorry, I can't go."  You don't have to say WHY.  You just say no.  Don't invite them over.  If they arrive uninvited or without calling, either don't answer the door or keep them at the door.  Seriously!!  Chat a moment and then say goodbye.  Close the door.  Unless they have a key, they aren't getting inside.  If they do have a key, ask for it back.  People who hurt you do not get an all access pass to your home.  Ever.

Keep conversations to a minimum and over the phone.  It's easy to get off the phone.  You hang up!  If they call back, you don't have to answer.  Especially if they are being mean and nasty that day.  If you have to see them, go to their house. You get to decide when to leave. 

Master the art of
*walking away. 
*refusing to discuss certain topics. 
*changing the subject. 

If they live with you, I'm sorry.  Walking away, changing the subject and leaving the room aren't always possible.  Or easy.  You may need to consider counselling either together or separate.   

About 10 years ago I had a situation and needed guidance so I spoke with my pastor.  He listened.  He let me cry.  He asked questions.  Then, he pulled a book from the shelf behind him and handed it to me.  

The book was "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.  When I got over being angry at the pastor for not telling me what I wanted to hear, I read the book.  I thought about it.  I read it again.  Then I put it into practice.  It took 2 years to truly establish them, but now I have healthy boundaries. 

And, the pastor did say if the book didn't help, counselling might be in order to learn how to set boundaries so others will respect my feelings, my emotions, etc.    

Whew, I need a cup of coffee now. 

*This is not a paid endorsement.  Also, I am not a doctor, counsellor or otherwise authorized to give emotional, personal or relationship advice.  I'm simply telling what worked for me.*
 
**For the curious people reading this, the person requiring a boundary was not my husband or one of our sons.  It was someone outside my home.**